Chapter Four - The Grim Reality

22 Jan, Tues

I thought I knew the extent of my condition. But I was wrong.

Braving the morning traffic to drop Sarah off at my daddy's and mommy's place, we made our way down to KKH at 7:45 am for our appointment with Prof Tay. I would usually be in school at this time so the early appointment worked fine for me. Upon arrival, I was surprised to see patients already in queue. I guess that is how it works in public hospitals. Nevertheless, I was really grateful to see Prof Tay within so short a notice.

As I entered Prof Tay's clinic, with Daniel, my in laws and Dr Chua in tow, it made his already narrow clinic appear claustrophobic. But perhaps the warmth was needed for the news that was about to greet me. "Surgery is not an option for you" he explained kindly. As he went on, I realized for the first time that this first surgery would involved the removal of my right ovary and right fallopian tube. I was never a biology student but I knew that those were pretty vital organs for childbearing. He went on to explain the permutations of my condition - from a simple cyst to a benign tumor to a malignant tumor in a gentle but tutorial like manner as well as the corresponding treatment necessary in each case.

The next step of my visit was to do another ultrasound with Dr Ong to access my case - incidentally she is dubbed 'X-Ray' hands as apparently what she accesses from the ultrasound is taken conclusively for other doctors to follow up on. The scan took a while but it was clear and much readings could be taken.

At about 10:30 am, I walked into Prof Tay's office again after his assessment and confering with Dr Ong over the latest scan. "According to Dr Ong, it doesn't look like a cyst," he explained slowly ," she thinks it resembles more a tumor." I continued to look straight into Prof Tay's eyes and didn't dare to look at the faces of those who were with me. I feared to see the reaction of my loved ones. Prof Tay continued with statistics and cited exceptional cases in a bid to comfort me and cushion the hard news.

By the time I left the hospital at about 2pm, I have taken my blood test and I was registered for an operation on the 4th of Feb at 2pm. It appears that I am glossing over all the events of the day but in reality, it all happened just as fast for me. It was just yesterday that I thought I was well and healthy. But today, it seems like a different story altogether. It truly brought to mind the fraility of life.

As the day ended, Daniel and I made our way down to Bishan again. We had to tell my parents about it. In Mandarin, Daniel sought to explain my medical condition to them. I wasn't sure if they understood it better than yesterday. And as the pattern which we parted, we prayed together and asked God to work in our lives. It was another long day.

Chapter Three - Breaking the News

It has been a long Monday...but the day has not ended yet. We thought it best to go to Bishan and explain the situation to my parents. As I was just as oblivious about my condition, my mother who was my companion that day was oblivious too. All she knew came from me.

As Daniel, his parents and myself walked through the familiar door, I could sense some anxiety from my parents' questioning glances. We hurriedly dispense with the usual polite greetings, invited our parents to sit down in the living room and Daniel began his explanation in Mandarin, a language familiar to my mother. Doctoring has really equipped Daniel in several languages and dialect. I never really knew that he could speak rather fluently - particularly in expressing some medical terms in Mandarin. It was refreshing to see my husband at work, in a sense that he was breaking the news to the family members of the patient. When Daniel ended his explanation, there was an awkward silence. Almost immediately, my mother started asking questions -relevant and irrelevant. I admit I was irritated. I was upset. I couldn't understand how in such critical situations, she could ask about the credibility of the Prof and other irrelevant things. I confess that I had most probably responded in my flesh to her responses.

In my own frustration, I failed to realize that my mother perhaps did understand the gravity of the situation but simply didn't know how to express her confusion. Daniel gently reminded me after we left Bishan that from the look in my mother's eyes, she did understand. Before we left for home, for once, as a family, we sat down and prayed together that the Lord would show Himself and guide our paths in this situation.

I was exhausted.

Chapter Two - The Comfort of Our Lord

As the floodgates flowed, I felt comforted in Daniel's arms. But more wonderful was literally the immediate comfort my Lord gave me. He brought to rememberance the great work He did in my life 12 years ago - and reminded me of how He walked so close to me when I was 19 years of age. Perhaps, this was a chapter in my life that was unknown to many. Having made a fiasco of my JC years and not being able to obtain the necessary requirements for entry into local university, my life came to an abrupt stop. Those were truly rebellious years in my life - I was away from God, my family and church. I did not even see the importance of fulfilling my responsibilities as a student. My decision to retake my A levels as a private candidate was considered bold in many people's eyes but to me, it wasn't an option. It was what I had to do in order to rededicate my life to Him and love my God with all my heart, my mind and my soul.

That year was truly precious. Every morning was spent in God's word and talking to Him. I literally felt Him holding my hand each step of the way during those days. There was also much time to restore my fellowship with my parents which was in bad shape because of the priority I gave to my friends at school. Morning exercises with my daddy and having meals at home everyday with mommy and daddy were precious. The Lord blesses our obedience however we stray, if only we return. That milestone or perhaps more aptly 'millstone' 11 years ago has been a pillar of rememberance - just as how God reminds us to remember how He delivered the Israelites out of the land of Egypt.

Now 12 years later, it is another trying situation but praise be to God, it is still the SAME GOD who loves and comforts His children.

And He walks with me, and He talks with me,

And He tells me I am His own;

And the joy we share as we tarry there,

None other has ever known.

Chapter One - The Reckoning

21 Jan, Monday

I looked anxiously at the clock in classroom 2N2 -11:35 am. I needed to rush down to Thomson Medical Centre [TMC] by 12 pm for my routine monthly check before Dr M Tan leaves for lunch. Finally the tune of 'Elephant Walk' chimed along the corridor, the signal for students to march off to their next homeroom. With a quick farewell to the class, I headed straight to the car and drove along the expressway. At 11:57, I plopped on the familar red pvc sofa outside Dr M Tan's clinic and waited for my turn. My mom arrived shortly at the clinic. She was my checkup companion that day. At 12:30, my name was called. Greetings as usual and at the back of my head I remembered Daniel's reminder, "Remember to check your cyst". Before climbing onto the bed, I reminded Dr M Tan of my cyst. As I laid on the bed and the ultrasound swept slowly across by abdomen, I could see baby bouncing back and forth. Another active baby - just like Jie Jie Sarah. That brought a smile to my face. But for the first time, I saw clearly another large cavity beside the placenta. It was bigger than the uterus. Dr M Tan took a longer time than usual to look at the cyst. As I made my way down the bed, she said, "I am going to send you upstairs for a more detailed scan. Please return to me after the scan is done."

There goes my afternoon was the first thought that came into my mind. Upstairs with the sonographer, the scan took a very long time. She was trying to capture some clear pictures for the Dr but apparently, she couldn't find my ovaries. The uterus appeared to be in the way. I went down back to Dr M Tan and back up again for another scan. Before I knew it, it was 3 pm. Finally, Dr M Tan concluded my long visit by telling me that she needed to schedule me for an operation the following Tuesday and to be on the safe side, she is having an oncologist onsite. I guess a few words there were suppose to ring the alarm in my head, but I think I was still really not sure what was going on. After speaking with Daniel on the phone, my husband apparently needed some time to do some consultation on his side. When I left the clinic that day, I think Daniel had arranged for me to see a Prof at KKH at 7:45 am the next day.

When I reached home that day about 5:30pm, I was still oblivious to the storm that was brewing. When my in-laws walked through the door, I thought they looked more worried than usual. When Daniel returned home, the first thing he did was to give me a kiss and hug me and he sat on the sofa looking at me with a suppressed look. By this time, I had some inclination that my condition was far worse than I thought it was. As I sat beside him, he spoke about how we have committed our lives to God and were seeking specifically for answers since December 2007. And that in this situation, we can only trust God to deliver us out. From the corner of my eye, I saw my mother-in-law wipe her tears away quickly. What does this all mean? As Daniel and I entered our room, I noticed that his eyes were filled with much sorrow. That immediately opened my floodgates. I think I finally understood the gravity of my situation.

Introduction

Life doesn't lie within man's hands or within man's control. There is truly a greater Being who sees and knows and allows things to happen - simply because He has created us and He knows what is best for us. Over the past couple of years and in my late teens, my life has been nothing short of eventful. This particular situation is probably the most eventful ever [so far].

Perhaps, writers often write from a vantage point - upon hindsight and reflection, after the event has past and settled. In the penning of these chapters, I do not know what or how the ending would be. But I hope you would travel together with me on this journey as my Lord unfolds His plan for me and teaches me the lessons that He wants me to learn, day by day and that we would rejoice at prayers answered, victories won and glorify His name in heaven.

"For the illuminated believer, the unifying and satisfying element in every circumstance is always the glory of God." - Jim Berg, Created for His Glory

A New Book and New Chapters

Finally, I think my aspirations of being a book writer and the time needed to do so is available to me. In the next few entries, I will attempt by the leading of the Spirit of God to pen down my thoughts, struggles and victories in this turn in my life. Contrary to books which has chapters drafted and crafted, I will write as God speaks to me. I pray that I would not write amiss but in all that we would see Christ.

In all honesty, I don't even know how an introduction to a book begins. And I am resisting the urge to open up a well read book, study its introduction and succumb to patterns of writing not because I am a proponent of post modernism but because I know how established patterns and systems have trapped me in the past to allow God to work freely and victoriously in my life. I ask that God would author these writings for Him alone, using my life as a means and an instrument for Him.

Greatest Apologies

Dear family, friends and whoever who reads this blog....you must be a little frustrated by now to visit a blog which has not been updated since early Dec. Sarah's mommy is currently trying to update her life and understand the Lord's will in her life and be obedient...so in the meantime, stay tune:)

Continue to pray for us as a family:)